Tuck the Kids in for Me
- Dan Freeman
- 8 hours ago
- 12 min read
Parenting Outside Normal Hours
(and Why You’re Not Ruining Your Kids)
I’m a sucker for a solid science-fiction film where the main characters are trapped in an impossible situation, and the only thing getting them through is the drive to save someone they love and make it home safe.
It's perfectly exemplified in the 2014 Nolan film Interstellar. As a sci-fi nerd, it checks a lot of boxes for me: wormholes, black holes, and battling a closing window of time.
But what I remember most is a parent’s love. A father that would do anything to save his child.
“Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.” — Dr. Amelia Brand, Interstellar
It can feel like we've transcended time and space when we're grinding through a string of nights or rotating shifts. It's the unspoken guilt when we aren’t there to put our kids to sleep or drop them off at school in the morning. The sacrifices. The sad moments after an all-too-brief phone call home to say good night.
It felt like I was watching my kids' lives play out through updates and videos from my wife.
Do it for long enough and you start wondering: Am I shortchanging my children by not being around as much as I'd like? Or worse ... is my schedule somehow ruining them?
But what if some of that guilt is the pressure we put on ourselves or pick up secondhand from online parenting advice?
Since you're reading this, you probably want what’s best for your kids. Parenting while working shift work can challenge you in ways working traditional hours don't. It’s like constantly playing on hard mode. But if you can see the potential setbacks before they happen, you’re better suited to plan how to deal with them.
Full disclosure: I am not a child psychologist, just an engaged dad who constantly researches and wants what’s best for his kids. If you or your child is struggling, reach out to a professional for help.
Psychologists have a name for a lot of what we're talking about here: attachment theory. Put simply, attachment is the parent-child connection and about whether a child trusts that their caregivers will consistently show up for their emotional needs.
This matters for parents with unconventional hours, because attachment is not built on a perfect schedule. It comes from staying responsive and making sure your child knows you're still there, even when your job pulls you away.
Being Home vs. Being Available
Plenty of parents put pressure on themselves when they can’t be home during normal family hours. So they compensate by staying awake long after they should be sleeping. They sacrifice recovery just to be close to their children.
I’ve made this same trade-off because the instinct is so strong. But it raises an important question:
What happens to the quality of your time together when you’re running on fumes?
Because being home and being emotionally available are not the same thing. Being emotionally available is what gives your child the feeling that they’re cared for, secure, and that you’re reachable. It’s the difference between checking a box by technically being in the room versus being a parent who is actually engaged and responsive.
Parents who are there but unavailable may be distant, unpredictable, critical, checked out, or inconsistent with their warmth.
But let's face it. Any parent can fall into these patterns when exhausted, especially when working nights, rotating shifts, or other insane hours. Emotional availability isn’t reserved only for well-rested parents who are always around.
A firefighter pulling a 24-hour shift can still maintain emotional availability. You can miss tucking the kids in when you’re stuck working a double and still be a strong presence in their life.
Meanwhile, a parent can be home every evening but with too many mental browsers open, bouncing between unpaid bills, appointments, and endless scrolling their socials.
The strength of a stable relationship is more important than having a perfect schedule.
So how do we deepen that bond when our schedule keeps pulling us away?
Parenting Outside
Normal Hours
How to Keep the Bond Strong
In The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, describe the “4 S’s” of attachment: safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
They nailed the alliteration. But for a parent working shift work, I would translate those ideas into a handful of practical goals: making your child feel safe, secure and connected. And since our schedules are different, I'd also add making them feel remembered and understanding why you leave.
There’s no single parenting move that will accomplish all of this. And if some of this advice feels like too much, don't worry. Being a perfect parent is a myth, usually sold in commercials and social posts where nobody looks like they just pulled an all-nighter.
You’re trying to create a stable environment where your child feels looked after and knows what's going on. When you leave for work, they don't wonder if you'll come back.
Think of these ideas as starting points and not another checklist to stress over.
Make Them Feel Safe
When we talk about safety, we think helmets, seatbelts, and making sure someone is watching over them. We don't always think of emotional safety.
Bryson described the parent's role as “a secure base and a launching pad” for their kids. Put simply, you're their safe refuge during emotional storms. Knowing that you have their back leaves them free to learn, explore, and make mistakes.
But what if leaving for work is one of those storms?
A few ways to build emotional safety:
Stay with big feelings — When kids are going through emotional turmoil, stay with them. Help name their emotions and ride out the swell. Your calm can be contagious.
Validate emotions — “I know, you’re sad I have to leave for work. That's fair and I get it. I still have to go to work, and I love you.”
Use a dry run before separation — If leaving is a trigger, role-playing can help. In Good Inside, Dr. Becky suggests practicing separation before the moment comes instead of waiting until you're packed up and walking out the door.
Try reversed role play — Let your child pretend to be you.
Child: “Ok, honey. Mommy has to drive the
ambulance tonight and make sure
everyone’s safe.”
You (as child): “Ok, Mommy. I’ll see you in
the morning. Bye!”
Then switch back to normal once they know
what to expect.
Repair early and often — We all lose our cool. The real caliber of a parent is getting good at repairing when you do. After all, you're modeling the adult you want them to become.
The goal is to send a consistent message that you're there for them, even when their emotions get messy.
Make Them Feel Secure
Too much uncertainty has been linked to anxiety and behavioral issues.
When you’re working nights or odd hours, it can be hard to create a consistent routine for both of you. This does not mean your child’s life has to feel unpredictable.
A few ways to build security:
Use visual cues — When my kids were toddlers, we put a folding chair in front of my bedroom so they knew I was home but asleep (quiet time). We also used a visual alarm like this so they could be part of “waking up Daddy” when it was time.
Use a dry erase board — Simple messages help to ground them as to what's going on: “Daddy is sleeping until 2 p.m.” or “Grandma is doing bedtime tonight.”
Draw it if they can’t read — Even if it looks like an abstract art nightmare, they’ll appreciate the effort.
Keep their routine steady — Your schedule might be absolute chaos, but theirs should be rock solid.
Get your team on the same page — Spouse, babysitter, grandparents, in-laws, whoever is helping. Talk about keeping bedtime, wake time, screen time, tantrum responses, and morning routines consistent.
These small routines help reinforce the idea that their life is predictable, even when your schedule is not.
Consistency is the antidote to uncertainty.
Make Them Feel Connected
Connection is how you let kids know they belong. Instead of just floating around your schedule, they are an important part of the family.
There are lots of ways to express love to your child, from sneaking a quick note in their lunchbox to smothering them with a great big bear hug. But like most things in parenting, how you do it depends on your child.
A few ways to build connection:
Love them in their "language" — One idea I found helpful from The Five Love Languages of Children is to tune into how your child best receives love, and try showing it that way. Which might not be the way you naturally give it.
Give actual attention — If your child responds best to quality time, give them your real attention when you’re physically together.
Aim for PNP: Play, No Phone — Dr. Becky recommends make a show of putting your phone away then letting your child lead the play time without distractions. You might find more connection in 10 minutes of this than in an hour of half-parenting while scrolling your device.
Make relationship deposits — My dad used to say, "Relationships are like a bank account. You need to make more deposits than withdrawals." Time spent away or day-sleeping can feel like a withdrawal to your child. Taking genuine interest will feel like a deposit.
Connect during transitions — Some parents love the concept of "9 minute theory" where you aim to connect for three minutes when your child wakes up, gets home, and goes to bed. With a crazy schedule, you might not get all three. Work with what you have.
Keeping communication open and consistent even when your schedule isn't.
Make Them Feel Remembered
Working a schedule that's different than your child can create a problem where your presence starts to feel distant. It doesn't matter if you're thinking about them your entire shift. Unless you share it, they have no way of knowing.
Physical reminders of you can go a long way.
A few ways to help them feel remembered:
Make a transitional object — A small item that reminds them of you can be comforting. It could be a shirt that smells like you or matching items that you both carry as a physical reminder of your bond.
Use a recordable button — Record your voice or a lullaby they can listen to as they're going to sleep.
Leave messages behind — Send a message or video if they're still asleep when you leave. I used to slip scribbled dad-jokes into my son's lunch, and he still keeps them. Respond with interest when they message you their new idea, weird obsession, or crazy drawing. That's how you show them their world matters to you.
You can’t always be there in person, but you can leave behind little reminders that say, "I'm still thinking about you."
Help Them Understand Why
Have a talk early and often about why you go to work. That way, your absence feels purposeful, instead of leaving them to wonder if you'd rather be somewhere else.
A few ways to show them:
Use simple language — “Daddy’s job is important because I help make sure people get their medicine at the hospital.” or “Mommy helps get people to where they need to go.”
Explain how it helps the household — Tell them how it pays the bills, provides food, or occasional fun extras. Keep it age appropriate.
Use visual books — Books like All Through the Night show children what different night workers might be doing. If you can make it specific to your own job, even better.
Create a small photo book — Print out a couple photos to show where you work, what your building looks like, or your work buddies. Then put those into a book they can look at when they miss you.
To your kid, they might think you just disappear into a dimly lit building every night, only to return home exhausted in the morning. Explain to your child (or better yet, show them!) what you do and why it matters.
What the Researchers Are
Actually Worried About
I don’t want to hand-wave away concerns you might have. There are some real challenges and parents should know of the risks researchers are actually worried about.
The issue isn't whether or not a parent works nights. The concern comes from what an unstable schedule can disrupt. This includes family time, adult supervision, emotional availability, and predictable routines.
Messing with any one of these might not bring it all down. But pull away enough of them, and family life starts looking like a wobbly game of Jenga real quick.
The research is a bit more complicated than just simply: "shift work is bad". One study found adolescents actually felt a closer bond with their parents and had less delinquency when dad worked traditional but mom worked nontraditional hours. But when a single mom worked nontraditional hours, the same age group showed weaker bonds and more delinquency.
So while adolescents are craving independence, it's still important that they have some supervision, structure, and a sense of belonging. Shift work can erode all three if you're not careful.
Then there's the matter of behavior changes.
Another study linked moms working non-day shifts with more behavioral problems in younger children, especially in single parent and lower income households.
Keep an eye out for changes in your child that might point to a bigger issue of disconnection. Warning signs can come in different forms, but here are a few to look out for:
Pulling away — They withdraw from you or the family and spend noticeably less time together.
Closing off — They stop sharing parts of their lives or interests with you.
Not turning to you — Independence is one thing, but notice if they stop coming to you for comfort, advice, or help with problems.
One of the bigger concerns researchers point to is weaker family bonding in some of these households.
That's exactly why the practical ideas in this article matter. Making a habit of stacking small moments of connection, attention, and being open can really add up over time.
Children with secure attachment tend to have better emotional regulation, stronger social skills, better mental health, and may even be less susceptible to peer pressure later in life. So, even if your family situation isn't ideal, there's still plenty of reason to be optimistic.
Treat Guilt as the Message
Guilt is usually the voice that taps you on the shoulder to alert you that something isn't aligned with your values or that something needs your attention.
If you're feeling guilt about your schedule, remind yourself that leaving for work is not abandonment. It's being a good provider.
Instead of beating yourself up for working outside typical hours, remind yourself that you're taking care of your family. If you still feel that guilt is trying to tell you something deeper, ask yourself whether you're meeting all their needs that we touched on in this article.
Is there something you can change?
If your child experiences your schedule as disconnection, that deserves your attention too. If your sweet kid suddenly starts acting like someone fed Gizmo after midnight, it’s tempting to focus only on stopping their bad behavior. But sometimes the better question is: what need is underneath it?
It could be the bedtime call routine. Maybe you need to stop buying guilt gifts and spend more focused time instead. Maybe you need a long-term plan to get off shift work. Maybe you need to accept this season and communicate better with your family and yourself.
Since there's no such thing as being a perfect parent, focus on being an engaged parent. Be the mom or dad who has their back and repairs when things go wrong.
That is enough for them.
Working Shift Work as an
Advantage to Parenting?
I know, that sounds crazy. But hear me out.
When you work nights, you sometimes end up with time with your kids that other parents don't have.
Make it memorable.
I used my crazy schedule to my advantage. I randomly had days off that other parents didn’t. I was lucky to go to my son’s school and have lunch with him every Tuesday. I got to chaperone when they went to the zoo on a field trip. I was able to volunteer at his school as a Watch D.O.G.S. (Dads Of Great Students). We still talk about how much fun it was that I got to be involved with events that most parents don’t ever get to.
For my toddler, she would get my full attention at the local splash pad or on bike riding to the park.
Of course your off days are often best used to recover from the wild schedule. But if you can also get in some quality time to connect and make it memorable, that is a total win-win.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is complex. There is no single act that will give your child everything they need. You do what you can, keep showing up, and course-correct when necessary. That's what will matter to them in the long run.
As they grow, the way you stay connected might change. A toddler might need a shirt that smells like you or a recorded message, but a teenager might want a late-night text or dumb meme. Your kindergartener might howl at your dad joke, while your teenager might smirk before rolling their eyes.
Keep experimenting with new ways to maintain that connection.
Kids are constantly absorbing what we do and internalizing what it means. Even as I’m writing this article, my 8-year-old is parked next to me, typing away on his fictional story, occasionally stopping me to share some surge of fantastical inspiration.
They model what they see.
It’s up to us to explain and interpret the times when work pulls us away. Just hopefully your job doesn't have the whole black hole, fate-of-humanity thing going on.
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